There are a few things to know about Mardi Gras in New Orleans that many people do not know. First, Mardi Gras is a family holiday that generally lasts for over two weeks. Some people call it carnival. Some people call it the most wonderful time of the year. I am in the latter party. An important thing to note is that outside of Bourbon St., people do not flash the floats for beads. Only tourists do that. The word tourist during Mardi Gras is liken to the words infidel or dummy.
So, in short, Mardi Gras is a celebration of a unique culture that is New Orleans. This is a place where ‘costume’ is a verb. There are ways to win at Mardi Gras. I will tell you them now.
One) the number one most important rule for Mardi Gras is not to pee on the street. That is crude but it is the truth. Do not do it. It is not worth it. You will be arrested. You could be peeing next to a person smoking a crack pipe, wielding a gun, and oh, I do not know, shaking babies or kicking puppies and I assure you that you will be the one put in jail.
2) Avoid children at all costs on the parade route. If your goal is to catch good throws, stay as far away from children as possible especially if they are in costume. Float riders love to throw the best throws to little cute kids and if you catch something good next to a child you will feel obligated to give it to the child even if the child will not value it as much as you will.
- If you have a child, bring that child wherever you go and dress that child in a cute costume. You will get the best throws ever. Position yourself next to a pack of mid-20 year olds and perhaps talk at a high volume about the rising cost of college and how much it will cost when your child is to the age of maturity to attend.
3) Establish a relationship with the float riders. This will make them accountable to you. You can do this by pointing at them, establishing eye contact, and/or yelling hey hey hey. You may have to chase down a float if there is something that you really want from it. This is all appropriate.
4) Be vigilant at all times. Do you know what it feels like to get hit in the head with an entire pack of beads? It is like being hit in the head with a sparkly brick. People get concussions.
5) Do not leave your house with anything that you are not prepared to part with forever – including your friends. Mardi Gras is a time for enterprising young fellows to make the most of large crowd situations. Do you know what it feels like to open your bag in the morning and find only a Popeye’s receipt and seven strands of plastic beads made in China? It is like being hit in the head with a sparkly brick.
- Do not leave your bag on the ground (c.f. point 5)
6) Drink bloody marys. When you are out on the parade route and getting your primary source of calories from wheat based beverages, you may, at some point, find yourself malnourished. The answer: bloody marys. This drink is basically a liquid salad and the smartest most efficient way to start a parade day. The Golden Lantern really does have the best bloody marys in the entire city.
7) Do not make firm plans and expect to keep them. If you are planning to meet up with someone on the parade route, chances are that you will not actually find them. Let’s just be honest. If you have friends staying with you from out of town, make them recite your address to you out loud. If they cannot, write it on their forearm in permanent marker.
Eight) Carry hand sanitizer with you wherever you go. This is just a good life rule, though.
9) Whatever you need, the float will provide. Do you need cups? Ask the float. Do you want a beer? Ask the float. Backpack? Hat? Wig? Moonpie? Pickle? Just ask the float and the float shall provide.
10) Do not give up. Persevere. Carnival is a gauntlet. You may even find yourself hoping for Ash Wednesday to hurry up and arrive. Carnival comes but once a year and when it is over all you have to look forward to is… JazzFest, French Quarter Fest, festival season in general… Oh right, this is New Orleans.
